What does T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. stand for? Well to answer your question, it stands for “Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations”. Basically Twinkie experiments. There are seven experiments in all.
Resistivity Test — “To test the resistivity of a Twinkie, a 110V standard AC household current was run across it.” This was an interesting test that seemed to prove that twinkies pass no current at all. For more details check this section out.
Gravitational Response Test — “To test the gravitational response of a Twinkie, one Twinkie was taken to the 6th floor of Lovett and released over the edge. This process was repeated twice on the same Twinkie.” I knew as soon as I read “gravitational” in the title of this test that they would be dropping twinkies from somewhere several feet off the ground and seeing if they survive the fall. Did they survive you ask? Well you’ll have to read the results to find out.
Radiation Test — “To test the reaction of a Twinkie to extreme radiation, the Twinkie was micro-waved for 10 minutes on HI”. Now, knowing what sugar does when it’s heated I could see the short life span of this experiment there was no way that it was going to last 10 minutes. To find out the results of what happened—you know what to do.
Turing Test — “This test was designed to test whether Twinkies are intelligent. We decided to do this test last, because we ‘killed’ a lot of Twinkies during these experiments, and didn’t want to know before the other tests were over if they were sentient. This test was a slightly modified version of the Turing test, designed to check computers for artificial intelligence (AI). The theory is that if you ask questions by typing on a computer keyboard and cannot distinguish whether the responses come from a human on the other end, or a computer program, then the program is artificially intelligent.”
Well, well, I don’t imagine that the twinkie passed this test, do you? No in fact it did not but this section was very funny. And is a good read.
Rapid Oxidation Test — “To test the rapid oxidation qualities of a Twinkie, one was set on fire and observed.” A twinkie will not burn without an accelerant, because they are too moist, a dried out (expired twinkie) will burn though.
Solubility Test — “To test the solubility of a Twinkie, one was immersed in Houston tap water. This water was contained in a standard clear plastic cup…” What happens to twinkies when you drown them? You’ll need to go here and find out.
Maximum Density Test — “This test involved a series of measurements and calculations designed to determine the density of a Twinkie.” Put a twinkie in the blender and see what happens. Will it be liquefied?
Now not only do you have these experiments and their hilarious results, but you also have other sections to check out as well. Like the Results in Haiku, About the Twinkies, The Scientists, Places We’ve Been, Letters We’ve Received, and Some rebuttals. These sections are as funny as the rest of the site and you should check them out.